The Love Letters from No One or Agony Argus
by She-Who-Must-Create-A-Name
Summary: The staff at Hogwarts set up an Agony Argus service to help students in need of advice. Of course, when you have hormonal teenage wizards and witches writing to seek help general hilarity, chaos and confusion ensue.


**The Lover Letters from No One or ****Agony Argus**

**The staff at ****Hogwarts set up an **_**Agony Argus**_** service to help students in need of advice. Of course, when you have hormonal teenage wizards and witches writing to seek help general hilarity, chaos and confusion ensue. **

**Author's note**: The first chapter is long and wordy, but I felt that it was necessary in order to set the theme and tone for the upcoming chapters. The latter chapters will be a mix of plot, dialogue and of course mainly letters. I hope you enjoy and please read and review.

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Hermione Granger decided to wake up a little early to enjoy the last of the fresh fall weather she liked so much….and of course to get some extra credit reading done for Herbology. Although she liked Neville very much and was glad that he had finally found a subject matter that he excelled at, in the very depths of her heart (the part that she barely liked to acknowledge existed) she was a little put off. Sure, Neville had an aptitude for Herbology, but she was definitely much better at it. Yet, no one complemented her on it. Now that Hermione thought about it, no one ever complimented her superior abilities in Potions, Transfiguration or even Charms. The professors were definitely taking her for granted, not to mention her classmates and friends.

Hermione was lost in thought as she walked past the large notice board, but did a double take as she perceived a sudden blur of colour and a flourish of movements through her peripheral vision. She came to a standstill as she watched a very gloomy looking grey and white parchment poster appear, completely obscuring the Gryffindor Quiditch practice schedule, a couple of advertisements for _Weasley's Wizarding Wheezes_ products and a much panicked plea for the return of stolen socks. Hermione had guessed that the last anonymous notice must have been from Dobby, the excitable and very free house elf, as the location specified as the coordinates for the return was near the kitchens. Well, it was either Dobby or a Hufflepuff with very cold feet.

Pushing these musings aside, she concentrated on the newest item on the notice board. She scanned through the contents.

_'**Agony Argus**_

_The Help You Need Without the Trouble of Pesky Healers and Expensive Counsellors_

_A large part of the Hogwarts Student body is in need of dire personal attention and help. It is obvious from the quality of assignments, the drop in class averages and the previous year's OWL and NEWT scores that the attention of many students is increasingly falling outside the sphere of academic achievement. These other attentions are rapidly intruding into time spent doing school work. Also, these new endeavours are causing Hogwarts students metal stress, panic, nervousness and sleep deprivation….all contributory factors to the deterioration in academic focus._

_We, the staff of Hogwarts, have realized that the students have no outlet in which to seek help for these symptoms and have to spend a lot of time agonizing over them, time that should be spent studying. Thus, we have created Agony Argus, offering anonymous help and advice to students in need and general distress._

_Those wishing to seek help have merely to write a letter (anonymous letters with pseudonyms are also welcome) and slip it into the newly created and magically protected black lock box placed outside the third floor corridor (right next to the painting of Stampeding Hippogriffs). Replies to the letters (that are not anonymous) will be sent to you with the morning mail, thus giving the impression of regular mail and keeping your need for help a secret from your fellow schoolmates._

_Anonymous letters will be left with the pseudo name written on the envelope. These letters can be found in neat rows on a table in front of the lock box, which you can pick up at your leisure._

_We very much hope that you will take advantage of this free service your professors are providing and seek the appropriate help and advice you need. We also very much hope that this will improve your academic performance, as that should be the focus in school._

_On a side note, if you are wondering why this service is called 'Agony Argus', well, it's because we though the use of alliteration made it sound much better._

_Yours Sincerely,_

_The professors of Hogwarts'_

Hermione stared at the grey and white parchment poster for a few seconds after she had finished reading. Her eyes had gone unfocused as her mind attempted to comprehend what she had just read. It was a bit odd considering that Hermione Granger, 'The Cleverest Witch of her Year' (patented, of course), had trouble comprehending something she read, however this one took her off guard. She shook her head slightly and looked at the poster again, making sure that it was still there and not a hallucination brought on by too much time spent in a dark and dusty library.

Sure enough the parchment poster was still there with its odd message. Hermione decided that she was in need of fresh air now more than ever and left the common room, hoping that when she came back the poster would be gone, to be replaced with one claiming acceptance of someone's part in creating the _Agony Argus_ joke.

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Hermione's hopes, however, would be crushed. _Agony Argus_ parchment posters had appeared all over the school and professors had devoted class time to promoting the service. Many students wondered whether this service was being used to catch trouble makers, punish wrong doers, split up midnight rendez vouz and generally make life miserable. Yet others wondered whether this was a new decree the Ministry had foisted on to the staff that they had no choice but to carry out. The cleverest of the lot wondered if the professors were being paid extra galleons for their service….by the letter.

As the students were musing so were the staff members. However, their thoughts ran along the lines of, '_no one's going to write to their professors about personal matters, especially if they are of the illicit, illegal or illusionary kind.' _Yes, they really did like alliteration.

In the author's attempt at foreshadowing (and the need to continue this story)….How wrong they were!

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**Author's note**: I hope you liked the introductory chapter. The way I have this story planned, it will soon be focused on anonymous love letters a certain professor receives via the Agony Argus service. Stay tuned and keep guessing! Don't forget to review, they provide the fuel needed to keep my imagination active and the fumes feed my muse. Suggestions are also welcome.


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